Day 29: A Confession

This one is a little difficult. What do you say?

I haven’t killed anyone… I’ve been a reasonably good person for pretty much all of my life…

I guess my confession is that I have a friend from childhood with whom I have no desire to get back in touch. Which is not to say that if she was ever in need- I wouldn’t try to help her out. I just have no desire to be in an unhealthy friendship again. And that is what our relationship was for me. I was the excuse, the opportunity, the ersatz boyfriend (and I’m not even male!), and the emotional punching bag.

She didn’t have a strong male role model in her life, so she started dating any and everything MALE early on in high school. And she got pregnant. Several times. Gave one up for adoption and kept the other. She was a decent mom, but I was her excuse to get out of the house. I was also her opportunity to meet with guys while out of the house. Basically- I became the designated chauffeur and awkward third wheel. THEN, she decided to start setting me up with guys, so I’d have something to do (or at least someone to talk to) during these outings. Her criteria in setting me up with someone seemed to be that they were the same race as I am. That’s it. We had NOTHING ELSE IN COMMON.

Soon- she started asking for my advice about the guys she was dating (or thinking about dating) at the moment. I’d tell her what I’d think, but it didn’t matter. She’d usually do the opposite of whatever I told her. She’d break up with the guy I thought was decent for her, and move on to someone she shouldn’t even give a second glance. So- I started hanging out with her less. It moved from weekly to every two weeks… then later from every two weeks to once a month. That didn’t stop the phone calls, though. She’d always want to talk on the phone (usually about the guy she was dating or had just broken up with), and I’m not much of a phone person. Never have been. I’d rather talk to people in person, but lately- talking to her (especially about guys) was like beating my head against a brick wall. She always wanted to know who I was spending time with, and would get upset if I was spending time with other friends. She even stopped talking to me for a week over spending time with another friend. I noticed, but only because I had a peaceful stress-free week. Between the demands for my time, and the getting upset about me spending time with other people- I was emotionally drained.

Once college rolled around- I used it as an excuse to put some distance between us. I moved in on-campus and didn’t give her my dorm room phone number. I also (incidentally) started going to another church. That part really didn’t have anything to do with her. My old church was just getting too big, and it was too easy to fall through the cracks, so I moved to another church that better fit my needs. Then I moved to another state. That didn’t have anything to do with her, either. That was more because I was tired of my mom trying to control my life and needed a change of scenery. (Different story that I won’t go into here.)

Said friend DID get my phone number (from my Grammy) while I was in a different state. *sigh* I talked to her, but it seemed to be more of the same. We need to hang out… I could come visit you… we could find some guys… (We both were single at the time.) I made some noncommittal statements and got off the phone as quickly as possible. Soon thereafter- my phone number changed. Again- not because of her- my cell phone provider was yanking me around, so I switched companies… and phone numbers… and did not provide her with the new number.

Fast forward to about six years ago. One of her old boyfriends found me on Facebook (a guy I actually thought was good for her, but of course- he didn’t last long). And she found me through him. My profile is private, so there is only limited details that she can see without being my friend. So she sent me friend requests. I declined them. She had her husband send me friend requests. I declined them. (For the record- I didn’t know he was her husband until the third request. I don’t generally accept friend requests from people I don’t know on Facebook.) I sent him a message saying that I hoped they were doing well, but that I wouldn’t be accepting his request. FINALLY- she sent me a friend request through her son. The one I pretty much helped her raise through his first three years on this earth. That actually angered me. If HE wanted to get to know me- that’s fine. But this was an obvious attempt to get back into my life on HER terms. And it showed me that again- she’s not above using any and everyone to get what she wants. So I declined that request, too.

She hasn’t changed, but I have. And I have no desire to get back into an emotionally draining relationship with that woman. Sooner or later- I will probably run into her (since we are once again in the same state). I do wonder how she’s doing, if she’s still with her husband, and how many kids she has; but I don’t wonder enough to search her out. That way lies madness.